We are all narcissists (now what?!)
OK, I admit it: this is a provocative (and potentially unpleasant?) headline. But stay with me at least for the next 5 minutes while I attempt to unpack it.
When I say we’re all narcissists, I obviously don’t mean we’re all akin to Trump, Putin, Erdogan or Orban. These people have complex pathologies that are easy to identify, hard to deal with and almost impossible to treat.
I also want to be mindful of the pain of those of us who were - or maybe still are - in a relationship with a narcissistic boss, partner or friend. They’re relationships that can be draining and crazy-making, in that they make us doubt our own reality; and yet that we may find hard to unhook ourselves from. Even when we do manage to walk away, they can leave deep scars.
For those of us who have ever been in this situation, there’s a whole body of work on narcissism that can help us make sense of our experience - and hopefully soothe ourselves. I won’t claim to be an expert, but I’ll link to some resources at the end. (And, needless to say, TikTok and Instagram so-called “expertise” is to be taken with a big pinch of salt).
So that brings me to the point I want to make: we are all narcissists. No, really - we are. If, like Walt Whitman, you believe we’re not just one thing, but that “we contain multitudes”, you may have recognised there are parts of you that hunger for attention, praise and validation. That want to be treated as special or unique. That want to impress, charm and seduce. That are perfectionistic in an attempt to protect themselves from an internal or external attack. That would do anything to avoid being publicly humiliated and exposed as a fraud.
If you still haven’t found the said parts within yourself (I might raise an eyebrow here), fear not: there are more flavours. What I’ve just described is more common of what psychotherapist Elinor Greenberg calls “exhibitionist narcissism”; but there’s also the “closet” kind too. Some common forms she names include: “the Perfect Secretary to the Great Man”, “the faithful servant”, or “the cheerleader’s best friend” - basically those that idealise others and bask in their approval.
I’ve come to think of narcissism not as a fixed label, but more as a continuum. In my practice I come across some really strong and entrenched narcissistic processes - those may be further along the continuum (and are often those that can cause deep damage in relationships).
*Small but important side-note here: if I were to view my clients through the narcissism lens only, I’d be at risk of reducing them to a label. I’d be less present, less available for connecting with them - and potentially making quite a few fixed assumptions that may or may not apply. Instead, even my clients who might qualify as textbook examples of a narcissistic process continue to surprise me; and to show me that they’re much larger than this one diagnosis.
What astonishes me is that, whereas many of us clinicians are extra careful about using diagnosis as a label that we stick on people, in society at large this term is thrown around carelessly - and has become abused and weaponised. We don’t get along with someone? They’re a narcissist. Someone sets a boundary we don't like? Narcissist. A colleague takes credit for work? Obviously narcissistic.
***
So anyhow, back to ourselves: unless we’re the Dalai Lama or Jesus on a cross, we’re all bound to be somewhere on that narcissism continuum too - at least some of the time.
This is important, because, culturally, we’ve come to demonise narcissism to the point we’re wary of coming face to face with our own narcissistic parts.
What we miss out on when we don’t recognise our own narcissism
Lest you think this might be some sort of sermon, I should perhaps come clean about my own narcissistic tendencies. If I’m aware enough, I notice when they may vie for attention or take up a lot of space. When they thrive on praise and admiration. Or when they compare to others and envy what they do or have.
Sometimes I’m not aware enough in the moment and I only realise once I’ve come down from what I call “the sugar rush” that they’ve run away with me. It’s OK. It signals that I wasn’t attending enough to those parts of myself, and was instead relying on others to nourish and validate them.
But for the longest time I was scared and ashamed of these traits. And when we feel like that, we risk missing out on a lot:
Bold and authentic leadership When we're afraid of our desire to lead or make an impact, we might shy away from roles where we could make a genuine difference to others.
Taking up appropriate space Many of us have learned to make ourselves smaller to avoid seeming "too much." But our narcissistic parts often know when we deserve recognition, when our ideas have value, or when we're being underestimated. By rejecting these impulses entirely, we might consistently undersell ourselves, accept less than we deserve, or fail to advocate for our needs.
Creative expression & putting our work out into the world. This newsletter wouldn’t have existed if I had kept listening to the voices in my head that were asking “who the hell do you think you are?!” Sound familiar?
As one of my teachers likes to say, there’s an essence in narcissism, which, when recognised and harnessed wisely, can unleash the fullness of our potential.
So we’re all narcissists - now what?!
If you’ve read/ listened this far, I have some suggestions based on my experience:
Make friends with your narcissistic parts - Recognise them when they ask for what therapist Dick Schwartz calls “pizza and candy” aka praise, recognition, admiration. Invite them in, offer them a seat at your table rather than banishing them to the basement. This simple (but difficult to practice) gesture will make them feel seen by you and will allow them to loosen their grip.
Triangulate - find trusted people who will mirror back your process. A close friend once asked me “so you’re saying person X gets on your nerves because they’re a know-it-all - in other words they remind you of yourself?” Ouch, that cut deep - but was so useful! Have a close circle of truth-tellers who will lovingly hold up the mirror and challenge you when need be.
Recognise when you’re part of a system that rewards narcissism. Certain cultures and industries are more prone to breeding narcissism than others. The world of entertainment & media, politics, finance & banking come to mind. (Having worked for an investment bank and a management consultancy, I’ll attest to the fact that when the main currency is status, resources & influence, the specimens who do not display narcissistic traits are rare indeed).
Our behaviour is to a large extent influenced by our environment, so it’s important to recognise how our systems shape us. And if you’re a senior executive reading this, ask yourself: to what extent are you unwittingly contributing to shaping a narcissistic culture yourself?
Narcissism isn’t going anywhere
It’s not an invention of our time, it’s not even an invention of papa Freud (as I like to call him) - it’s been a mainstay of our human condition forever. The myth of Narcissus is millennia old. But every period seems to be giving it a new flavour, and it’s fair to say we live in a highly narcissistic “me-me-me” culture overall.
The counterpoint to this endemic narcissism isn’t to get on a high horse and try to be holier than thou. It is to recognise those tendencies when they arise within ourselves.
The humility that acknowledges when our narcissistic traits get activated becomes capacious, rather than self-righteous and blaming; it turns towards, rather than away from our own vulnerability. It allows us to extend friendliness to ourselves - and through that, to others. I don’t know about you, but I for one find this kind of humility deeply freeing… I can finally be the whole of me.
Stay fierce, curious and self-honest!
Alina
I always love to hear how this lands with you - so please share either through comments or DMs.
And do share this piece if you think it travel more widely and should reach others.
Some trustworthy resources if you’d like to do a deeper dive:
Dr Ramani’s YouTube channel is an excellent hub for all things narcissism.
Elinor Greenberg tells it like it is and is one of my biggest influences. Her article on how to care for the narcissistically vulnerable parts of yourself is a good start.
Terri Real is particularly known for his groundbreaking work with "difficult men" including those with narcissistic, grandiose, and bullying behaviours.