What teams can learn from couples therapists [new series]
“I need to understand: is it me or is it them?!,” a client entangled in an impasse with his team recently shared with me. To which I responded: “Might there be a third possibility?”
In the past couple of weeks alone I witnessed multiple team and group ruptures that followed this same ‘me vs. you’ or ‘us vs. them’ pattern. The ball of blame kept getting tossed around like a hot potato. Emotions ran higher and higher. Work got derailed. Everyone ended up worse off.
At the heart of this there’s a hard reality:
We cannot not be in relationships; but relationships mirror the messiness of our human nature. And in a system of more than two people - a family, a team, a community - that messiness increases exponentially.
So I’ve decided to put my experience as a (team) coach and therapist-in-training to good use by launching a series on “what teams can learn from couples/ family therapists.”
I’ll start today by introducing the concept of “the relationship as a third entity.” In other words: there’s me, there’s you and there’s the space between us - the relationship as an entity unto itself. And here’s the thing about this ‘third entity’:
It has its own characteristics, its own patterns, its own needs, its own flavour.
It is co-created by everyone who’s involved in it; and it impacts and shapes everyone that’s involved in it.
In its healthy version, it follows a harmony - disharmony - repair cycle (I’ll come back to this).
This, by the way, might explain why you feel you show up differently on different teams…
Super important caveat: This doesn’t mean I’m inviting you to neglect your own needs and boundaries for the sake of the team. Rather, the goal is to create the conditions in which you can each maximise your individual wellbeing IN THE CONTEXT OF THE TEAM.
When I first learned about the ‘third entity’ my mind went ‘boom!’ Because there are immediate practical implications:
The two most important questions you can ask yourself when you catch yourself sliding into frustration/ anger/ disappointment etc are:
What do I need right now?
And what does the relationship need?
2. If one or more of you are running low on energy, it helps to voice this: “I’m on 30% at the moment - and you?” (Borrowed from Brene Brown). If your team members are also running low, the relationship itself will get neglected and depleted. So how can you set time aside to regenerate it?
3. In case of conflict, start from the co-created nature of it rather than from a place of assigning blame. And ask yourself: What part might I be playing in this conflict? How am I co-creating or perpetuating this impasse?
This relational approach means that resolving the conflict won’t be about giving in or taking revenge, but about standing shoulder to shoulder facing this shared challenge and finding a path to repair together.
I’ll end with these wise words from Dr. Alexandra Solomon, a relationship therapist I respect:
* I am not this relationship, but I am OF this relationship.
* I am not solely responsible FOR this relationship, but I am responsible TO this relationship.
* I am a steward of it.
In the next instalments I’ll cover: How we prepare for difficult conversations, How to turn conflict into connection, How to deal with the ‘bad apples’ on our teams, What to do when feedback hurts. Please send me your questions and requests - I’ll be happy to oblige :-)
Stay fierce, curious and relational!
Alina